If you like my quotes, why not try my POETRY PAGE?
"That was really stupid -- but erotic."
~Conan O'Brian~
"My glorious prose, filtered through the minds of the insane.
Who knows, they might improve it."
~The Marquis de Sade, Quills
"Why do I have to learn English?
I don't ever plan to go to England."
~Young Homer Simpson~
"There's a scratch on my brain CD."
~Ms. Link~
Men: can't live with them,
might as well beat the crap out of them.
~Birds of Prey~
"I guess I prefer an honest murderer to a lying asshole."
~The Happy Face Murders~
"I have a small brain problem right now."
~Mrs. Meling~
Welcome to The Rock.
We're going to be reading Watership Down.
~Cameron Hall
(the general opinion of how tortureous it was to read that book twice)
What's the opposite of cannabalism?
Zombiesm! Cannabalism is living people eating dead people,
and Zombiesm is dead people eating living people.
~Ruben Gonzales~
I won't surrender, so you'll have to kill me.
But I promise you, you'll die trying.
~Children of Amarid
"It's not true I had nothing on,
I had the radio on."
~Marilyn Monroe~
Ham and Eggs:
a day's work for the chicken,
a lifetime commitment for the pig.
I am still an atheist, thank God.
~Luis Bunuel
God protects fools, drunks and the United States of America.
~Otto von Bismarck
Overpaid, overfed, oversexed and over here.
" It often happens that I wake at night and
begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the pope about it.
Then I wake completely and remember
I am the Pope."
~Pope John XXIII
" A piffy what?"
~ that's 'epiphany'
for Smee in *Hook*
I have the body of a god.
(unfortunately, it's Buddha)
"Dock-a-loodle-fod!"
~dyslexic roosters are
a sad sight. (Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man)
I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass,
and I'm all outta bubblegum.
- fight scene in some
movie I can't remember the title of.
Selective hearing: it works for me.
To fish or not to fish?
What a stupid question.
"Life is about more than humping like dogs."
~ Topaz Man on love~
Families are like fudge:
mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Lord, if you won't make me skinny,
please make my friends fat!
"Mother was a great troop leader."
"Yeah, well so was Hitler."
~Everybody Loves Raymond~
If God wanted me to touch my toes
he would have put them on my knees.
If you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
Life is like a dick:
when it gets hard, fuck it.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa,
instead of YELLING and SCREAMING like his passengers!
I can't recall if I'm the GOOD twin
or the EVIL twin.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.
God is dead.
-Nietzche
Nietzche is dead.
-God
~ Piano room graffiti,
CSU San Jose ~
I may be a bitch, but I'm the pick of the litter!
I did not escape... they gave me a "day pass."
I have a pic of a chick with a dick.
~VampireCh1ck [4:19 PM]:~
Life's a bitch, and so are you!
~ Jon Ling~
Maybe we're all insane and we just don't know it.
~ R. Hickey~
If I wanted a bitch, I'd buy a dog!
Being bisexual doubles your chances of getting a date.
~Gene Leal~
" A bisexual is a person that puts their hand down other people's pants
and is perfectly satisfied with whatever they find."
~ Dana Carvey S.N.L. ~
" Sex is dirty, sex is boring...
none of your free hippie love here.
That's all you hippies think about is sex! "
~ Sid & Nancy ~
If I threw a stick, would you go away?
There's just something about you that chaps my ass!
I'd rather be dead than red on the head.
~Gene Leal~
Until the knife is at your throat, all is well.
~ George Herman~
Love the sinner, hate the sin.
Peace sells...but who's buying?
~ Megadeth~
Responsibility is a thorn in every free spirit's ass.
~ Damien Lopez ~
Don't eat bugs unless you have to.
~ Damien Lopez ~
Don't cross your chickens before thier bridges have hatched.
~Gwen Ramone~
" I just find Vegeta (from DBZ) the most interesting and compelling character.
Is he good? Is he bad? Can he really find it in him to love?
Has he ever been
to a hair salon?" ~ Melissa Dow ~
There are three things I refuse to tolerate:
cowerdice, bad haircuts, and military insurrection.
And it is unfortunate that our friend Vegeta possesses all three of these.
~ Freezer (Frieza,Freeza)~
" I want to play it *my* way.
If it sounds like crap, that's a personal problem."
~Frank Ghiglia, on playing difficult music~
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
~Erma Bombeck~
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
~Stephen Wright~
Good Guys wear Black.
Recipe for a DAUGHTER *
1 year of breastfeeding
3 parenting
books
5 1/2 bedtime
stories
17 educational
toys
4 reliable
babysitters
2 important
talks
5 sleepover
birthday parties
18 years of
education
377 rides
home
Mix ingredients. Let stand 18 to 21 years, opening bedroom door occasionally. Release. Hold breath.
* Results may vary
" I see the light - and it BURNS! "
~Homer Simpson~
Wine is fine but liquor's quicker.
~Ozzy Osbourne~
I love everything old;
old friends, old times, old manners, old books...
old wine.
~Oliver Goldsmith~
Serious music fans buy singles...
serious music nerds buy the imports
~BORDERS bookstore~
What you call hell she calls home
~Grounded For Life~
My drinking team has a bowling problem!
If they try to rush me I tell them I've only got one other speed,
and that's slower.
~Glenn Ford~
If this is coffee, I want tea;
but if this is tea, then I wish for coffee.
~Punch~
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
~Confucius~
" Nobody looks good in a thong,
I don't care what kind of ass you have."
~Yasmine Bleeth~
So many books, so little time.
Sex without love is an empty experience,
but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
~Woody Allen~`
Whoever said nothing is impossible
never tried to slam a revolving door.
~Tim Anderson~
"A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to be done."
The following jokes were said by Jay Leno the week Hannibal came out in theatres:
What does Hannibal call
a person who falls into the fire on Survivor II?
- Outback Steakhouse
-
What does Hannibal call
Michael Jackson?
- the other white
meat -
What does Hannibal call
a Jehovah's Witness?
- free delivery
-
How does Hannibal like
Connie Chung?
- with plum sauce
-
Why does Hannibal like
to eat women who wear thong underwear?
- so he can eat
and floss at the same time -
What does Hannibal call
Hillary Clinton?
- a frozen dinner
-
Why won't Hannibal eat
a Clinton?
- they're too slimey
-
Why does Hannibal want
to eat Jennifer Lopez?
- rump roast -
Why won't Hannibal eat
Kathie Lee?
- he doesn't like
artificial sweetners -
Why did Hannibal regret
eating the Texaco guy?
- he gave him gas
-
What does Hannibal put
on his pancakes?
- Aunt Jemima -
What does Hannibal call
a supermodel from Wisconsin?
- a quarter-pounder
with cheese -
What does Hannibal call
a tightrope walker?
- a well-balanced
meal -
How do you kill an anorexic?
- tell them water has calories -
What is white and always in little boy's pants?
- Michael Jackson's
hand -
I don't believe in giving animals stupid names. That's why I call him 'Cosmic Creepers,'
because that's the name he came with.
~Angela Langsbury ( in reference to the cat) Bedknobs & Broomsticks~
Cats know exactly how we feel. They don't give a damn, but they know.
See my halo bright and shiny..
mess with it and I'll kick your hiney!
~ Caitlen Blankenship~
" Why do we cause physical pain when mental pain is much more fun?"
~Jeb Galicia~
Etiquette is all about communication,
and nothing communicates better than actions -
unexpected, horrible actions.
~Bob~
" Opera. Just what the world needs:
more fat women screaming."
~ Everybody Loves Raymond~
" Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up
his tickets at the box office!"
~ Frasier~
" I'm always ready for a punch: I'm an accordian player."
~Drew Carey~
You're a textbook example of neurotic narcissim
and a case of being a first-class smarty-pants!
~Frasier~
Is Tori's Spelling as good as Kelsey's Grammar?
"He's the best-looking ugly guy I've ever seen."
~Caroline in the City~
This is America.
People do whatever the fuck they feel like doing,
you got a problem with that?
Because they have a right to.
And because they have guns and no one can fucking stop them.
~Neal Stephenson~
Drink is the curse of the land:
It makes you fight with your neighbor;
It makes you shoot at your landlord -
and it makes you miss him.
irish quote
Use it up, wear it out,
make it do or do without!
old New England saw
What butter and whiskey will not cure,
there's no cure for.
Always obey your parents, when they are present.
~Mark Twain~
When angery, count four.
When very angery, swear.
~Mark Twain~
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
Normal is a cycle on a washing machine.
If a mother screams in the forest and there are no children to hear it,
is there any sound?
~Anna Quindlen~
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him,
is he still wrong?
Si hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes.
(if you can read this you're overeducated)
A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge.
Artistic Quips
Step on Degas to make the Van Gogh.
~~~~
Baroque (adj.): when you are out of Monet
~~~~
Bach later. (Offenbach sooner)
" Pardon me, do you have any cheap, yellow mustard?"
C:/DOS
C:/DOS/RUN
RUN/DOS/RUN
" Je suis la Roche! Je ne suis pas francais!"
~Tim Anderson~
Vous le vous couche avec moi, se soi?
~Jenna Sharma
Lead me not into temptation;
I can find it myself.
" I fart in your general direction!" -an English quip...